At times our no is an excuse for a desperate yes

Romantic Love Comic

Like many teenagers, I did not have a full healthy love of myself. My environment challenged me to make life-affirming choices but I did my best.

One time in a drama class a long-time friend was talking to me and teasing me and while I was talking to her I had the idea “Hey dummy, she likes you!” “You should ask her out on a date to see if you two are compatible.” I was having this conversation in my head while I was talking with her. It was surreal. Just as I thought this I had another feeling that I don’t know where it came from. It was a revelation like the clouds parting and trumpets blaring. That voice said “You already know that you are compatible. If you love her, you will never leave this state.”

Romantic Love Comic
romantic love comic

Now the state that I lived in was completely against the values that I have. I was deeply unhappy living there among people who did not care for life and did not care for their fellow man. It hurt me to see the indifference, and I wanted no part of that. I realized immediately that if I had a relationship with her, some source beyond my knowing was telling me I would stay in the state that I hated. As much as I craved love, I could not live there and I would have been unhappier than love would have made me happy. I made the selfish decision to not ask her on a date, and not live the rest of my life with her.

Now I know the reasonable person will read this and say “You couldn’t have possibly known what the future held. Perhaps she would have helped you.” Perhaps. The thing is that when I trusted my deepest sense of intuition, it has never been wrong and I had seen plenty of examples of it already in my short life at the time. Was she the one who got away? Perhaps. Still, as much as I wanted to be loved, there was something else directing my path. I know it doesn’t seem logical and it isn’t, but there is more to life than what we can logically understand.

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Part of me wonders if she will read this because if you are, I wanted to say yes so badly. I wanted to say yes, “Let’s go on a date. Let’s fall in love, and let’s live the rest of our lives together.” She probably would have laughed at me, but I know it would have worked. I just know it. Yet now I am in a loving relationship with someone that I love as well, and deeper than I loved her. I would have been so unhappy not to know her, and how fortunate that I have had a life in which I can find more than one person who chooses to love me.

This is not a humblebrag, but just simply to say that I don’t know if there are soulmates. I do know that when you listen to others, respect them, and open your heart, you will find people who want to do the same.