When should you listen to feedback?
When the person who is sharing has several qualities that make it valid.
- They don’t have anything to gain from your behavior changing. If someone has something to gain from your behavior changing, they are automatically a suspect. Everyone usually has something to gain by you behaving in a different way especially one that favors their influence.
- They have known you for a long time and understand your character. Lots of people will give you advice or feedback but know nothing about who you are. People don’t change until they are ready to change, and so unsolicited feedback is not appreciated. You have to know when to share and that takes understanding the person.
- You have some psychological insight, experience or shared quality with the person. Without a sense of connection to a person, there is no trust that what you say is valid and real.
- Your advice may work against your own interests or benefits. This is a sign that you love the person. When you can act and speak in a way that helps them without regard to your own situation, you have earned the right to share feedback with them. Very, very few people do this and very, very few people love others enough to put others needs as equal to their own.
- You feel a human connection of respect to the other person and this is done in the spirit of love or kindness and no other motivation. Any other motivation is clearly seen as manipulative. I have helped people change in my personal and professional life because I cared about them honestly, and I didn’t have anything to gain by their growth. They recognized that and felt safe to feedback and a respectful relationship with me.