Life often gives you situations where it isn’t always clear what the loving thing to do is.
For example, the first woman I ever loved I meet in Kindergarten. She was an angel and she always talked to me and played with me at recess. I asked for her number and had to write it down because I couldn’t take the chance to forget it.
So here I am in Kindergarten calling a friend and talking to her often. We continued to be friends for a long time. However she lived a long ways away from me and then in High school returned and attended school again. Since we were in some of the same classes I was friends with her again.
One day we were walking down the hall and she brought up how she used to look in the past as a kid and how ugly she felt now. I stopped her in the hall and told her that I was always her friend, and that her friendship made her beautiful to me and she was just as beautiful now as she was then. I wasn’t lying. I saw her through rose colored glasses. She cried and hugged me in the hall and I cried too sad that she felt she was ugly.
After we graduated we didn’t really hang together anymore. She had different friends and that was ok, everyone was finding their way in life. I know you are asking yourself, why am I sharing all of this and it will come to a point quickly. I had a relative who worked for the hospital and told me that this woman was in the hospital dying but that for patient confidentiality I wasn’t supposed to know.
Now here is where it gets really tough. I wanted to jump in the car and visit her. I still loved her and thought that she might enjoy seeing me and taking her mind off of her troubles. Then I thought about it from her point of view. She would feel ugly, possibly embarrassed to be seen in that condition, and she might not appreciate me coming to visit her. She was reminded of me because that relative talked about me since she recognized her name from me saying it in the past. So she did think of me, and that perhaps brought her some comfort.
Would visiting her make me feel good at her expense? Would she pretend to tolerate me but resent me coming to see her? I didn’t know and I thought about what the loving decision should be. Unfortunately time was not on my side, and the next thing I knew I was told that she died.
Why am I sharing this with you? What is easy for us emotionally to do, is not always easy for others whom we love. Based on what I knew about her, my feeling is that my absence was kinder than my presence. With my presence she might feel weak and sad based on what I knew about her. I reminded her of a time she was healthier and happier. Maybe I didn’t make the right decision. I don’t know. I do know that I have thought about her often since then, and my love is forever.
When you love someone, you always think of them and want what is helpful for them. Love isn’t selfish, it is giving and seeks a win/win for all.