How to deal with indirect or passive-agressive people – 10 steps

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We all have to deal with deal with indirect or passive-agressive people. They are the ones who from this wiki article do:

learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.[1]

  1. Don’t engage in their drama. They thrive on conflict or the appearance of avoidance of conflict.  You can’t make them understand logically their behavior.  It is not a conscious thing for them.
  2. Set firm boundaries and look at the bottom line. The bottom line is their actions towards you.  Don’t try to justify or explain their behavior.  Just consider if what they do is acceptable to you or not.  If it is not, set up a consequence before they have to do something for you.  Then follow through with consequences.
  3. Don’t try to solve their problems. This is a good general rule but it will be even more tempting with these people.  Since they act like a victim you will naturally be pulled into being a hero to try to help them.  Don’t do it.  The healthiest relationships don’t have a imbalance of power like this.
  4. Once you realize they can’t be trusted, don’t be surprised when they act that way. These people who don’t have integrity in themselves won’t have it towards you either.  You should never assume that the way someone treats you is different than how they treat themselves.  Healthy people act with integrity because that is who they are, not because there is an advantage to doing so.
  5. If one of these people like you see how often they engage in this behavior. No one is perfect, but if they do this behavior often perhaps its better to just let them go.  When you see this with other people you work with, try to distance yourself from dealing with that person.  If you can’t, then take exact notes and make sure there is a written understanding between you both.
  6. You hate in others what you hate in yourself. If this trait bothers you too much in others, you probably have issues to admit to yourself about it.  If this is something that you have to occasionally deal with it’s probably not a problem for you.
  7. Certain places/things attract passive-agressive people. This is very common behavior on Internet websites/dating/friendship sites.  You also see this behavior in places where adults might visit.  Like clubs, bars, nightclubs or dance places.  Rather than deal with people honestly people do what they feel is easier.
  8. These people have control issues. It’s not about their feelings, they may actually want what you are offering.  It’s about them feeling that they can’t be emotionally honest, or that being direct with their needs is too frightening.  These are immature people who haven’t grown up.
  9. Connection to heart source weak. These people should be sympathized with because they don’t have a good connection to their feelings and heart.  They are limited by their fears and so their ability to enjoy life is severely compromised.  It is too bad that people who say they are happy with their life, have no idea how wonderful it is to let go of their issues fully.
  10. People need to make mistakes to learn. Above all be patient.  People need to make mistakes to learn how to love and be human.  If the person has other great qualities, don’t dismiss them based on this one.  Unless it becomes overwhelming to you or you see that they are content to live as they currently do.  If they have an open heart or mind they might be open to change.  If they are not, then move on because there are plenty of good, healthy people who can be honest with their feelings and needs.
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