Give up on the need to be liked

'I'd ask if you liked the cookies, grandma, but my mom says there's no pleasing you.'
'I'd ask if you liked the cookies, grandma, but my mom says there's no pleasing you.'
‘I’d ask if you liked the cookies, grandma, but my mom says there’s no pleasing you.’

Lets be honest, most of us care far too much of what others think of us.

I was in this trap as well. Once when I was having a treatment for a physical problem my doctor listened to me sharing a story that I was frustrated at work. She said that not everyone was going to like me. That resonated with me. I did work too hard in having others like me.

Since then I have not worked as hard. It helps if people like you, but ultimately what people think of you is out of your control. In the past I wanted people to like me because that made me feel valuable, but I saw that value has to come from inside.

Now the people who know me say that I don’t care about others think about me. That is mostly true. I want others to feel that I am providing a valuable service but I don’t need/want them to do anything more then respect my work.

When you adopt this attitude then you might get feedback that some people don’t like you. There are always haters. When the majority of people respect you, then you are being a professional. Sometimes being professional means that people wont like you.

For example, I have had many bosses that wanted others to like them. They gave them whatever they wanted, no matter how bad for security that was, or how costly. Being a professional means that often you have to say no. You have to remind people kindly that rules have a purpose and not following them can have unhelpful consequences for all of us.

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So many times in my career I saw rules being bent and broken and the results were so costly and negative. There is a balance in IT between granting people the tools to do their job, and catering to wants. I always advocate what science says is helpful/productive and try to find creative solutions for wants.

To be perfectly frank, most companies that I have left said they would miss my work and wish that I had stayed longer. This isn’t a humble brag but just feedback and a data point that what I am sharing is helpful.