Tagged: relationship

Wanting what you can’t have

Film Crew in the Camargue

It is common for people to want what they don’t have. I think part of this is striving for something more than what you have, and being bored with what you now have.

In the past I wanted the best luxury goods that I could afford. I mistakenly thought that those things would show my worth to others. I thought that having nice things meant that I was a better person, and that my life meant something. I see now how misguided that thinking was. It is not that having things are bad, it is just that things can never give you what you are seeking for.

I wonder sometimes why half of people get divorced these days. I wonder why someone can go from wanting someone so bad that they can’t imagine living without them, to not wanting to be their friend anymore. I am not judging those who divorce. I am just curious what happens along the path of life that causes our feelings to change. People often say “irreconcilable differences”. Yes, people do change, but then why did you want that person in the first place?

I think looking back at my own relationships that what I wanted from them, was something that I wanted in myself. I wanted something that they could not give, and when they saw that I could not give them what they wanted, they said goodbye. I said goodbye a few times as well so I am not a victim here. I think that many times people enter into relationships hoping and with fantasies that the other person has something that they may not have. Then when reality sets in, they “fall out of love” with someone they technically never “fell into love” in the first place with.

It is human nature to think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I think that is part of the hope of wanting what you can’t have is that what may be forbidden or against your beliefs, is possible with the other person. For example, I had girlfriends in the past that took me to meet their parents and I clearly was not the kind of man they wanted their daughter to date. I wasn’t the religion that the family was, and that meant that I was a bad, evil man. Sometimes I love being used.

I have learned that the things that have made me the most happy in life are these: a sense of calm centeredness, kindness with myself and others, admitting mistakes quickly (boy I sure have practice with this one), forgiving others of their mistakes quickly. You may not have control over what happens to you in your life, but you certainly have control over your attitude to it.

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How to be gracious in 10 easy steps

Accept (album)
Image via Wikipedia

Not that I am an expert, but I wanted to share some things that I have learned from others.

  1. If someone is your inferior, or you think they are, it is essential that you don’t make them feel that. It is true that you may be better in some things than others are, but it is equally true they are better in some things than you. So unless you are prepared to extensively interview someone, don’t you think it’s a little presumptuous to assume you are a better/smarter/prettier person?
  2. Life is difficult for most people. Don’t take what other people do personally. If someone hurts you then acknowledge that in yourself, and remove yourself from the situation if you feel it is required. Otherwise, accept that other people make mistakes and that you will sometimes bear the burden of those mistakes unfairly.
  3. Don’t expect things. So much of our pain and anger stems from the feeling that you can’t control your life. You can control parts of your life, but not everything. So when things don’t work out, that’s ok, because often they work out better than we expect. Don’t expect that any hard work you do will pay off. Sometimes you get laid off, divorced or hurt when it isn’t your fault. Sometimes people just hurt others instead of dealing with the hurt inside themselves.
  4. Be larger than the situation you are in. In every situation, we have a choice to be controlled by events, or to accept and control our attitude and response. Victor Frankel a holocaust survivor said “He who has a why to live, can bear almost any how.” Have a why and purpose to live, and the other things will just let go.
  5. Find love, kindness, forgiveness, empathy whenever possible. Many times in life you have difficult situations, but when you focus on difficult things your ability to make peace with them decreases. Life is a balance, so remember to focus on your passions and the things that make you feel alive and bring you happiness.
  6. Accept your luggage. We all come into the world with some luggage that keeps us from expressing everything we want to feel. We can be so happy, but we have to unpack and look at beliefs and ideas to see if they are helping our hurting us. This takes time, and the bravest and most noble people eventually do this.
  7. Allow yourself to have fun. Life has plenty of responsibilities, but it is all about balance. If you work hard, then play hard. If you need fun, then have fun. Spend time doing things that help you to grow, so you don’t become a shell of a person.
  8. Challenge yourself to grow. I am big into growing, even though I feel good with the person I am. A famous quote goes “Who is not being busy growing is busy dying.” Don’t forget you are more like a plant than a rock.
  9. It’s ok to make mistakes. Being human means that you are going to misunderstand and do the wrong thing.  The more that you can accept yourself and your own mistakes, the more you can accept mistakes in others.
  10. Listen to your inner voice. Whenever you hear something, ask yourself it is really true in your life or just easy to believe. Challenge everything, or else you are just a robot that has been programmed by family/society.
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Stories of my past: I noticed you called

WASHINGTON, DC - JANUARY 28: U.S. Attorney Ge...
Image by Getty Images via @daylife

I had a surprising phone call once from a woman who I had briefly meet while dating. I hadn’t talked to her for more than six months, and out of the blue she calls me. She explains to me “I noticed you had called me a few times” and said other things. I had clearly not called her several times, because I don’t push myself on anyone. If they aren’t interested, I just let them go.

I am sharing this now because it is surprising how often people feel that they can lie to you and you won’t care. I do care about the truth, especially in relationships. I don’t think that you can tell the truth all of the time, because there are things that people do not have the right or need to know. For example, if I had a medical problem my friends don’t need to know the full extent of it. I think that we should only share as much as we feel other people can accept and deal with. Anything more is kind of pushing them to adopt our values.

What do you think?

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Stories from my past: If I kissed him

Institute of Mental Health 8, Nov 06
Image via Wikipedia

Sometimes what people share with you when you listen is very surprising. What is even more shocking is what other people say to others and think it is ok. The woman that I was talking to did not have a normal intelligence and often people would take advantage of her.

“Did you know what Tom the quarterback said to me once?”, Suzie asked.

“No what did he say?” I asked.

“He said that if I kissed him and let him do whatever he wanted to me that he would be my friend.”, Suzie stated.

“Is that the kind of friend you want?” I asked. “Did you want to do those things with him?”

“Sure I want friends” she said.

We talked more and found out that this wasn’t the first guy who had suggested she trade favors for benefits. The men who mentioned those things to her were the object of many women’s admiration. I wonder how they would have thought of him if they knew he took advantage of her.

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