Tag: NEED

Stories from my Past: That is a long commute

When you are interviewing for a job, its is surprising the things that interviewers say.

One interview I had was with a company that was a great fit. The interview was going great. I had chemistry with the interviewer, it seemed like a good fit for both me and the company and the interviewer remarked on that as well. It was just winding down and off hand the interviewer asked where I lived. I told him and he said “That is a long commute”. It was about an hour in Chicago. I said that I didn’t consider it a long commute and I could move in neighboring place since I was single and shared that I had a gf in that neighborhood.

He didn’t really respond to that. I didn’t get the job and I am sure that in his mind, the commute meant I wasn’t a good fit. The thing is that if someone is willing to commute why not let them do it?

It isn’t the longest commute I had for a job either. I have worked jobs that at times the commute could be 2 1/2 hours. Normally it was 1 hour, but you know traffic in the city can be stopped many times for many reasons. It isn’t just the average time to travel that you have to consider when taking a job, but the likelihood of getting in a traffic jam and it being longer.

I shared earlier that a short commute has a big influence on happiness in life. So why would I apply for jobs that have longer commutes? One of the reasons is that for me, I love to drive and don’t mind commuting. Another is that I have been able to work for great companies by commuting. Another is that in large cities where I have worked like Chicago/NYC traffic is unavoidable so you just accept that is part of the time you commit to the job.

Would I love to have a short commute? You bet. However when I don’t, there are advantages to being in the car. For one I get to add music to my music playlist. I get to think about things without being interrupted, and I get to be away from a computer and see interesting things.

There are always benefits in every situation. You just need to be open to them.

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Love is surprising

Love is surprising isn’t it? Don’t you wonder what we would do without it?

Love isn’t equal. Many times the degree that we love someone else is more or less than the amount they love us. When this happens for many people it is uncomfortable. I have had gfs tell me that they don’t want to care about me more than I care about them. I have never had that idea.

The idea of measuring love out and only giving to someone else what they give to you reduces love to a business arrangement. If I give love in this amount, then I should be loved in this amount. We don’t say that the love a parent has to a baby should be limited, so why limit in other aspects?

People who limit their love to someone else ration something that shouldn’t be rationed. People are either worthy of love or they are not. When I have loved someone, I have given them all of my patience, time and energy that I could. If I could not measure up to their needs, then I let them go to find someone who could give them what they needed. Love doesn’t demand to be loved. Love allows someone to find someone who will love them in the way they most feel loved.

Love isn’t fair. In our society of equality and justice, we think that love should be fair. Of course all relationships should be built on trust and mutual respect, but fundamentally love isn’t fair.

We can’t demand love to be fair and do what we want it to do. When we start demanding from someone else, we are judging them and taking a position that is not ours to take. An example will make this more clear.

In a relationship one of the partners may be more financially stable than the other. The one who is more financially stable may pay more often, because they care about their partner. It doesn’t mean anything other than a gift. It doesn’t mean that the other partner loves them less, or they are a gold digger. It often is unfair that men make more money than women, so they tend to pay in most relationships.

The fact is, that being a man or a woman comes with certain advantages and disadvantages and arguing about what is fair is pointless. We can’t change how the world works, and I can’t blame women for using their advantages or for men for using theirs. As adults we are able to handle the give and take of relationships and we don’t need mommy and daddy to make the world fair for us to love.

I think we abuse love when we try to make it about filling our needs rather than being what it is and enjoying the opportunities for intimacy and relationship it provides.

Love isn’t blind, but it isn’t a judge either.

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