How to handle anger. I’m no expert but this is what I have learned.
We are not angry at the person but at our own expectations. We believe that we should be treated in a certain manner, and when we are not, then we feel frustrated. The thing is that we may have never communicated that to another person, so how could they be aware of those expectations?
What I have learned is that often what angers us most in others is what we have in ourselves. So for example I have a friend who is sometimes forgetful. That is a problem for me because I remember most things very well. When they forget things then I feel frustrated because their forgetfulness affects me now. An example. I was tired one day and my friend forgot something in my car he needed. So I had to drive back to him to drop it off to him. However to be honest, I sometimes forget things as well. So not only am I angry at him, I’m angry and reminded when I forget things as well.
We get angry because we feel that we give more to the other person than they give to us. Which is interesting because our perception of what we give them is different than their perception of what they receive from us. We know what we give up to be with them. I could go with Bob and have a nice dinner, or stay home and play video games or something else I enjoy. Bob knows that I have a choice, and when I choose to spend time with him then he should feel special.
We get angry because we feel frustrated and we don’t always have a good way to direct those feelings. I get frustrated when I drive more than 2 hours a day. My back starts to hurt and that affects my generally happy mood. I don’t like that, and so when I am asked to drive more than 2 hours a day I try to minimize that. Its not easy, but it really helps in my happiness.
I think we mostly get angry because we are being challenged in what is comfortable to us. Sometimes relationships are the most difficult because they challenge us at a deep level. It takes maturity and wisdom to know how much we can grow, and how much we can deal with at once. Sometimes we get overwhelmed and we have to be patient and kind to ourselves as we are challenged and changing.
Being angry is ok as long as it isn’t the only way we deal with life.