Tag: adults

Love is surprising

Love is surprising isn’t it? Don’t you wonder what we would do without it?

Love isn’t equal.¬†Many times the degree that we love someone else is more or less than the amount they love us. When this happens for many people it is uncomfortable. I have had gfs tell me that they don’t want to care about me more than I care about them. I have never had that idea.

The idea of measuring love out and only giving to someone else what they give to you reduces love to a business arrangement. If I give love in this amount, then I should be loved in this amount. We don’t say that the love a parent has to a baby should be limited, so why limit in other aspects?

People who limit their love to someone else ration something that shouldn’t be rationed. People are either worthy of love or they are not. When I have loved someone, I have given them all of my patience, time and energy that I could. If I could not measure up to their needs, then I let them go to find someone who could give them what they needed. Love doesn’t demand to be loved. Love allows someone to find someone who will love them in the way they most feel loved.

Love isn’t fair. In our society of equality and justice, we think that love should be fair. Of course all relationships¬†should be built on trust and mutual respect, but fundamentally love isn’t fair.

We can’t demand love to be fair and do what we want it to do. When we start demanding from someone else, we are judging them and taking a position that is not ours to take. An example will make this more clear.

In a relationship one of the partners may be more financially stable than the other. The one who is more financially stable may pay more often, because they care about their partner. It doesn’t mean anything other than a gift. It doesn’t mean that the other partner loves them less, or they are a gold digger. It often is unfair that men make more money than women, so they tend to pay in most relationships.

The fact is, that being a man or a woman comes with certain advantages and disadvantages and arguing about what is fair is pointless. We can’t change how the world works, and I can’t blame women for using their advantages or for men for using theirs. As adults we are able to handle the give and take of relationships and we don’t need mommy and daddy to make the world fair for us to love.

I think we abuse love when we try to make it about filling our needs rather than being what it is and enjoying the opportunities for intimacy and relationship it provides.

Love isn’t blind, but it isn’t a judge either.

New equipment sometimes means hurt feelings

New equipment sometimes means hurt feelings.

Let me give you an example. I once worked at a company that was pretty cheap. They didn’t spend money on regularly refreshing their equipment, so it was years old and very slow.

One day I was asked to upgrade some people to have two monitors instead of a tiny 15 inch one they had. As I did this, many people asked me if they were getting a monitor. I said that I had a list and only the people on the list got one. So there were lots of hurt feelings because they didn’t feel important enough to get a second monitor.

So guess what? A few days later one of the older monitors breaks. Now in any other company this would be an opportunity to just upgrade it with the new larger monitor. However in this case the political climate was to get the permission of their manager so that any hurt feelings could be addressed before this was done. Interesting isn’t it? Normally you would just replace something that is broken and let people deal with it as best they can.

In one way this is nice. It is nice that a company is aware of peoples feelings. In another way this is kind of treating people like children. Children don’t have the emotional capability of regulating their feelings like adults show, so you have to treat them more gently than an adult.

Of course the next day the monitor got replaced. However I see this happen in every company. Once someone gets something, everyone else seems to need it too.

It is a fascinating thing to watch. The person with the broken monitor said how terrible it would be if her monitor broke. Now that it did, she seemed kind of upset and nervous about the attention she would attract. She did attract attention.

It is ok to have feelings at work. However if your neighbor gets a new monitor or whatever, it doesn’t mean that you are less valuable. It just means people make decisions for reasons we aren’t always aware of.